Intolerable Stuff

Moving. Yikes! To a new city. Gross!

When the cashier at Whole Foods believes he’s doing something extraordinary for humanity while he asks whether I want a bag or not and having to explain that yes I do want a bag for I have sixteen items on the mat and only two hands! How dreadful! Having to go back to Whole Foods because I forgot unsweetened applesauce and having to deal with the same earth-saving cashier only this time he asks whether I want to donate ten cents to charity. Having to explain that no, I do not want to donate ten cents to charity because “your bananas cost $5,” so unless you mark the banana down $4.90 cents, I’m not donating anything.

A guest offers to say a prayer before eating my home cooked meal! Then I have to explain that there is no need to pray, as I was very wary of the expiration date when buying the chicken. How rude!

Sharing a pizza. Brutal! The genius who came up with this idea will want to take everyone’s topping preferences into consideration; she will open the floor for a dreadful negotiation. Anchovies will be traded for salami, mushrooms for onions, extra cheese for artichoke; so petty. That very negotiation will last way too long and result in everybody compromising and no one eating a pizza they like. Sharing a pizza, how awful! As a matter of fact, sharing is wrong.

He, who brags about being a vegetarian, drives a Prius and says things like: “I care about the environment,” yet takes two parking spaces with his precious Prius. How dare you, Sir? How can you care so much about the environment yet park so poorly? He should be ashamed of his vegetarian self.

Having to listen to a mother talk about her kid. Shoot me! I didn’t just drop my kid at daycare to have lunch with you and listen to you talk about how your genius isn’t potty trained yet. I spend my time feigning interest whenever my kid points at a bird, a stone, a piece of gum on the sidewalk, must I do the same while having lunch with you now? Spare me!

She who is handed a tiny little bit of power. Seeing her glow as she tells others to turn their cell phones off and to fasten their seat belts on. Pathetic!

Anyone discussing the presidential debate days after it aired. Tragic. I purposely turned the TV off because I was hoping that you, stranger in a dive bar, would give me a play by play of what transpired. Oh goody, so glad you’re a republican. As a matter of fact, anyone is annoying.

Women’s husbands. Blah! How they walk around believing that because one woman sleeps with them, every woman out there is dying to do the same. How can they not understand that other women are just grateful for the sacrifice one made! “She sleeps with you so we don’t have to.” Your wife is a true feminist, sir.

Married men and how they pursue single women just because they miss rejection. Shameful.

She who explains how afraid she is of having a baby girl because, “you know, teenage girls are terrible.” Well, boys become rapist, so maybe you can put up with someone who wants to wear a little too much make up from time to time. Appalling!

Fathers who attempt to discipline their offspring: “Stop this right now or I will count to 12!” Absurd.

Accidentally mistaking toddler’s drawing for husband’s valentine’s day present, pitiful!; a gift from God. Relieved to see that Christians have finally decided to date among themselves and have at last given up trying to bed normal people like me. I can now date in peace.

6 pm dinner invitations; despicable. Now, I have to eat my breakfast by 7 am so I can be hungry enough for your middle of the day shitty home cooked meal! Man up! You’re adults; it’s Saturday night! Live a little.

Waiters. Oh My God!

Other people’s children.

Dog obesity. How one’s weight problem is replicated on an innocent pet. Overfeeding a dog, just so he won’t be able to run away from you, pretty sad. The dog is now too plumped to do anything. How whenever fat people are asked whether they’ve lost weight, they giddily respond: “no, I’m standing next to my fat pooch, it’s an optical illusion.”

My husband. Argh!

How choosing tiles puts my marriage in jeopardy; had I known that before, I would have remodeled the bathroom years ago. Frustrating.

Comedy Central; give me a fucking break!

He who says: “If it weren’t for us, French people would be speaking German right now.” Fick dich you Arschloch!

How people use social media like Facebook to brag about everything in their lives; “I’m going to work. Skipping lunch, going to the gym. Back at work.” Dude; kill yourself. Your life sucks.” How I constantly need to check in on these status updates, just glad to see that everybody on Facebook is doing sooo well. Maddening.

How those who aren’t on Facebook think they’re so much better than the rest of us.You just don’t have any friends, or anything to brag about! Loser.”

How reality kicks in when my car gets towed because someone placed a “do not park” sign in the vicinity of my vehicle. Having to drag myself to the car-towing yard, explain to the cashier that this whole episode isn’t making me want to move to this city and having to hear her say: “You don’t want to move here? Oh no, everybody is going to be so disappointed.” Feeling slightly better because of her response only to realize later that she was just being coy, there is no way she can know how every San Franciscan feels about my moving plan; she can’t possibly have that many Facebook friends. Now that is just intolerable.



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